Who Are You Trying to Please?
By Summer Martin
I don’t necessarily need everyone to like me, but I really don’t want you to be mad at me. Is this you? Do you feel like there is an apparent difference in those two things? When we hear the term people-pleaser, we usually picture someone who cannot say no right? The person who volunteers for everything, agrees with everyone, bends over backwards for people, and wouldn’t dare have an opinion that may ruffle the feathers of others. And while it can look like that, if you’re like me, it may not always look like that.
I can say no. I can have an opinion. I can speak my mind. Trust me, those who know me know that I have no shortage of thoughts. But underneath all of that can still be this almost desire to make sure no one is upset with me. And that can control far more of our lives than we realize.
People-Pleasing Isn’t Always About Being Liked
Sometimes it’s about avoiding rejection (rejection sensitivity girlies, IYKYK). Sometimes it’s about avoiding conflict. Sometimes it’s about making sure everyone is okay with you. So you learn to read the room, noticing changes in tone, shorter text messages, when someone seems quieter than usual and then….your brain starts working.
Did I do something? Are they mad at me? Was it what I said earlier? Should I text them? Maybe I should explain what I meant. And before too long, you’re trying to fix a problem you don’t even know exists. That’s people-pleasing. It isn’t always, “Please like me”, sometimes it’s simply: “Please don’t be mad at me”.
So we learn to keep people happy. If someone’s anger, disappointment, or rejection feels threatening enough, you eventually learn ways to prevent it. Maybe you don’t say that something hurt you because you know they’ll get defensive. Maybe you soften your opinion until it barely resembles what you actually think. Maybe you say, “It’s fine,” because telling the truth might start an argument. Maybe you apologize because someone is upset, even though you did nothing wrong, or you over explain every decision because you need the other person to understand why you made it. Or maybe you finally speak honestly, see the other person’s reaction, and immediately think: I shouldn’t have said anything at all.
So you learned to people-please. Not necessarily because you need applause, but because keeping everyone happy feels safer than risking their anger.
The Fear Behind It
Proverbs 29:25 says: “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.”
There’s the heart of it. Fear. People-pleasing isn’t always rooted in wanting attention, sometimes it’s rooted in fear of what will happen when we stop pleasing. Anger? Hurt feelings? Will they think differently of me? Will they pull away? And the one that scares a lot of people, will they leave?
So we start managing relationships, conversations, people’s perceptions, our emotions, ourselves, all in an attempt to control the outcome. If I say something gently enough, maybe they won’t get mad. If I explain enough, maybe they’ll understand. If I apologize, if I keep quiet, if I give them what they want, and on and on. But eventually that fear of another person’s reaction begins determining our behavior, and Scripture calls that a snare.
Peacekeeping or People-Pleasing
Romans 12:18 says: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all”. People-pleasers can read this and use it for why they do the things they do, see, keep everybody happy. Except this is not what it says. It says, “so far as it depends on you”.
We are responsible for how we treat people, we can choose kindness, we can speak kindly, we can listen, we can apologize when we sin, we can forgive, and we can pursue reconciliation. But peace requires more than one person. We cannot guarantee that another person will receive our words well. And keeping someone from ever being upset with you is not the same thing as living peaceably with them.
Sometimes what we call “keeping the peace” is really just avoiding the possibility of rejection. There is a difference between being a peacemaker and a peacekeeper at any cost. One pursues biblical peace, while the other will sacrifice truth to prevent conflict.
People-Pleasing Can Silence Us
This is where it starts costing us something, because if keeping you happy is my goal, eventually I can’t be completely honest with you. How would we be able to tell someone they hurt us if we are terrified they’ll be angry when we do? How can I tell you what I actually think if disagreement feels like a threat to our relationship? How can I establish a boundary if your disappointment makes me believe I’ve done something wrong? How can I tell you what I need if I’m afraid you’ll think I’m needy? Or even confronting something unhealthy if I’m afraid you’ll walk away?
So instead….we swallow it. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. Except sometimes it is a big deal, and true biblical love doesn’t require us to pretend otherwise. Ephesians 4:15 calls us to speak “the truth in love”. Truth and love. Not truth without concern for the other person, but also not “love” that requires us to hide the truth.
Their Feelings Matter, But They Aren’t Your Master
The point where I think people-pleasers can swing too far in the other direction, the answer isn’t: Well, their feelings aren’t my problem. That’s not love either. People matter, their feelings matter, and our words have consequences. If I’ve hurt someone, I want to know. If I’ve sinned, I need to repent. If I communicated harshly, I need to own that. If someone I love tells me they’re hurting, I should care.
But caring about someone’s feelings and being controlled by their feelings…..not the same. Someone who is upset with me doesn’t automatically mean I’ve done something wrong. If they disagree with me, it doesn't mean I need to change my position. Someone being disappointed doesn’t automatically mean I need to fix their disappointment. And just so we are clear, someone needing space, doesn’t automatically mean I’ve been abandoned. I can care about your feelings without making them the authority over my obedience.
Whom Am I Trying To Please
Galatians 1:10 asks a question people-pleasers probably need to sit with for a while: “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man?”.
OUCH.
Because sometimes I can become so focused on making sure you’re not mad at me that I forget to ask whether God is pleased with me. Was I truthful? Loving? Gracious? Humble? Did I listen, or speak when I needed to speak? Did I repent if I was wrong? Did I honor Christ in how I handled the conversation? Those are questions I can answer before God.
Are they mad at me, isn’t one of them. Why? Because I cannot control that answer.
What If They Do Get Mad?
This is where the old adage comes in, this is where the rubber meets the road. We can talk all day about not fearing people’s reactions, then somebody actually gets upset with us, and suddenly every people-pleasing instinct comes flying back.
Fix it. Explain yourself. Apologize. Take it back, make them understand. But what if you didn’t do anything wrong? What if I spoke truthfully? What if you were loving? What if you expressed a legitimate hurt? What if you simply disagreed? Then maybe their anger is something you have to entrust to God. You don’t have to chase it, or manipulate it. You don’t have to immediately make it disappear.
You can remain humble and open to correction while also allowing another adult to own their response, and that’s uncomfortable. Especially when you’ve spent years believing that if someone is upset with you, it’s your job to make them okay again. But maybe…just maybe, that’s the part of learning to fear God more than man.
And What If They Leave?
Maybe that’s what’s underneath all of it, sometimes “Please don’t be mad at me” really means, “please don’t leave me”. If I tell you how I really feel, will you still love me? If I disagree, will you still want me around? If I stop bending, will you decide I’m difficult? If I tell you that you hurt me, will you decide I’m the problem? If I stop being the version of myself that keeps you comfortable, will you still stay?
Scary questions right?
Scripture never promises that everyone will. Jesus loved perfectly. Spoke perfectly. Never sinned against anyone, and people still rejected Him. Our security cannot ultimately come from our ability to keep everyone happy enough to stay. It has to come from Christ.
Please Don’t Be Mad at Me
People-pleasing tells us: Keep them happy and you’ll be safe. That’s a miserable way to live, because now my peace depends on your mood. My confidence depends on your tone. My ability to speak depends on how I think you’ll respond, and my security depends on whether you stay. That’s too much power to give another person.
So maybe overcoming people-pleasing isn’t simply learning how to say no. Maybe it’s learning to say: I can love without controlling how you feel about me.
I can speak the truth and still be kind. I can care that you’re hurt without automatically assuming I am wrong. I can listen without immediately surrendering my convictions. I can apologize when I’ve sinned without apologizing because you are unhappy. I can tell you when you’ve hurt me, what I think, what I feel, and I can trust God with what happens after I do.
Because ultimately, my life cannot be spent asking: Are they pleased with me?.
The better question is: “Am I pleasing God?”.
And sometimes pleasing God means accepting the uncomfortable truth that someone else may not be pleased with me at all.
