Respect Doesn’t Mean Silence

by Summer Martin

Lately I've had women from different walks of life and backgrounds tell me the same thing. "I've just learned to keep my mouth shut. It creates peace, and I’m done arguing."

They don't disagree anymore. They don't ask questions. They don't bring up concerns. Sometimes they don't even share the things they're excited about.

Why?

Because somewhere along the way they, we, yes sometimes me…..have learned that speaking up was going to be met with frustration, dismissal, anger, or simply someone acting like what we have to say wasn't worth hearing. So we stopped talking. Not because we wanted to…

Because it felt easier.

But can I just say something?

That isn't biblical respect.

Somewhere along the way, we've confused being respectful with being silent, and those are not the same thing. Ephesians 5:33 tells wives to respect their husbands. It does not tell wives to disappear. Biblical respect has never been about making yourself smaller so someone else can feel bigger. It's a posture of the heart.

Like every command God gives, it starts there.

A woman can say absolutely nothing while her heart is filled with bitterness, contempt, and resentment. But she can also speak honestly, lovingly, and graciously while showing genuine respect.

God cares about both.

Respect isn't measured by how quiet we are, no matter how much we think that it does. If our heart posture is wrong, then we have missed the point entirely. Our hearts should be seeking to honor Christ.

Healthy marriages require communication. I had a good sister tell me that “Hard conversations will happen.” She was right.  God’s design is that a husband and wife cultivate a marriage where hard conversations can happen with grace, humility, and love. Because questions will need to be asked. Confession will need to be made. Decisions have to be talked through.

None of that is sinful.

In fact, Paul tells believers to "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). Notice he doesn't separate the two. Truth without love becomes harsh. Love without truth becomes compromise. God calls us to both.

In reading through Ephesians, and some other books lately about marriage, I have learned that a respectful wife can disagree without becoming disrespectful. She can ask questions without becoming argumentative. She can express concerns without tearing down her husband's dignity.

And as I mentioned, this is something God has been teaching me too.

I'm a bottler. I'll convince myself everything is fine until it absolutely isn't. Then all those little hurts I've stuffed away suddenly come pouring out at once. I'm learning that healthy communication doesn't mean pretending nothing bothers me. It means saying the hard things before bitterness gets the chance to grow.

Because bitterness is a terrible counselor. Maybe the greatest enemy of respect isn't disagreement at all.  Maybe it's contempt.

Contempt rolls its eyes.

Contempt sighs.

Contempt mocks.

Contempt uses sarcasm like a weapon.

James reminds us that the same tongue that praises God can also destroy people made in His image (James 3:9-10). That should stop us in our tracks.

Now, while this article is about a wife's call to respect, I also want to lovingly remind husbands of something Scripture says. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church..." (Ephesians 5:25). One of the simplest ways a husband can love his wife...

It’s to listen.

Imagine you walk into the room excited to tell your husband something you just learned. Before you can even begin, he says, "Is this going to take long?" Or maybe he motions with his hand for you to hurry up.

Maybe he doesn't mean anything by it. Maybe he’s exhausted. Maybe he’s distracted. But after enough moments like that, something starts happening. You don't stop talking because you have nothing to say. You stop talking because you are starting to believe no one wants to hear it. And that's heartbreaking.

Christlike love makes room.

It pauses.

It listens.

It says, "What matters to you matters to me."

Don't miss this…

Being heard is one of the ways people feel loved. Likewise, wives should extend that same grace to their husbands.  Respect listens too. Respect doesn't assume motives. Respect seeks understanding before demanding to be understood.

That's God's design. Not one person always talking. Not one person always silent. Two sinners, both learning to love like Christ. Because here's the truth...Jesus never compromised truth. But He wasn't harsh just for the sake of being harsh either. He was gentle without being weak. Bold without being cruel. And we are called to reflect that same character.

Respect isn't rooted in whether our husband gets everything right. If it were, none of us could do it consistently. Respect is rooted in our obedience to Christ. That doesn't mean approving sin. It doesn't mean ignoring abuse. It doesn't mean pretending everything is okay when it isn't. Scripture never tells wives to protect sin for the sake of keeping peace.

God cares more about righteousness than appearances. Every marriage will have failures. The question isn't whether we'll fail. The question is...What will we build with our words when we do? Walls? Or bridges?

I know which one I'm still learning to build. Because the truth is, disagreements are going to come. We're both sinners. We're both perfectly capable of letting each other down. But through all of that, God has been teaching me something.   We can desire certain things for ourselves, our spouses and our marriages, but I cannot make my spouse do something he does not want to do. But I can desire better communication. I can desire to be heard. I can desire for my husband to respond differently. But at the end of the day, I cannot make another person do something they don't want to do. That's between them and the Lord.

I am responsible for my life. My choices, my responses, my walk with God are my responsibility. If you look at the Proverbs 31 woman, you will notice some things. The chapter is full of She does, she seeks, she brings, she stretches, she speaks. She is busy stewarding what God has entrusted to her.

That’s been convicting for me. I cannot change my husband. I cannot control anyone else. But by God's grace, I can pursue faithfulness in my own life.  

And if I'm honest, this article wasn't just for anyone else.

It was for me too.

Respect is more than being quiet. Maybe respecting our husbands isn’t found in saying less.

Maybe it’s found in saying the right things, at the right time, with the right heart.

Because at the end of the day, biblical respect isn't about making much of our husbands.

It's about making much of Christ.

And when a husband and wife both begin pursuing Him above themselves...

The gospel becomes visible inside the walls of our own homes.